Surviving Hell, Saying Goodbye.
Grief is the one emotion that never leaves you, some times she’s silent or asleep, or just lurking in the dark, at the back of your mind, but she never leaves. You can get breaks and enjoy other emotions, feel happy, joyful, grateful, elated but grief always finds a way to show up somehow, in tiny ways or in big ways.
1. My earliest experience with grief was losing a friendship a few years ago, I cried for days, I couldn’t be fine for a while, but eventually got over it, I adjusted to the new normal of being without my friend.
I saw how heavy loss can be, how deep grief can be, however, the experience showed me that no matter what loss I experience in my life, I can get over it.
but what if grief eats me up so much that I never recover?
Nearly two years ago, my dog died in my arms as I held him, trying to feed him water, I can still remember the shock in my whole body as I refused to believe Bailey was dead, but I couldn’t deny this fact when I saw his body become stiff as he pooped his last. I had heard that living things poo involuntarily just as they die, and I thought the people who said that were right.
My dog had been sick and we had all waited and hoped for his recovery, nothing prepared me for losing my dog.
I screamed so much that my mom and my brother came running to me, I remember they took my dog away, dug a grave at the backyard and buried him. For the next minutes that went by so slow I cried my eyes out, I wailed and screamed in anguish and agony.
I couldn't believe my Bailey was dead. My brother sat quietly in tears, he also loved bailey so much and he would play around the compound with him, my mom who was sad but not crying tried to console me, everyone knew how much I loved my dog, the neighbors used to say I should get married and have a child so I can spoil and love my child the way I spoiled and loved my dog.
Bailey was everything to me, my aunt gave him to me and he was the perfect gift, he brought so much light and love to me and he came at the time when my whole world was in utter darkness. Bailey was playful. A mixed breed of rottweiler and German shepherd, he played a lot but he also wanted space, most afternoons, he would hide somewhere cool in the house and would barely answer when you called, in the evenings he waited by the gate for me, he knew when I came home and he’ll stay at the gate waiting for me, as I stepped in, he would jump on me with so much happiness,making joyful sounds as I carried him and gave him kisses on his face or back, he was a perfect little angel.
At night he always wanted to sleep beside me, always cuddled and makes sure he could feel my breath and his skin was touching mine, he was such a lover.
After he died, I spent the next few months mourning and grieving, it’s been two years and the only thing I can say is, it gets easier — it gets easier to accept that this grief is now a part of us.
I still remember him, I still think of how grown he’d be now, I still hold on to the beautiful memories while wishing that it was possible to have him back because I would give everything to have my dog with me again.
2.
Grief, they say, is love with no where to go, the year started beautifully for me, yet I’ve been engulfed with pain and grief just one month into the new year.
I have asked a lot of questions and I have found none, maybe sometimes there's no answer for feelings like this that shake our very core. Maybe.
Maybe the answer is in the feelings that wrap our hearts, the pain of loss, the grief, the realization that all the love you wanted to give now has no where to go, or just the beautiful memories and shared experiences tied to your brain that you may never let go of.
Maybe there's no answer at all. Maybe .
I struggle with letting people go, especially people I cherish, I struggle with letting things go too, I keep many things(and people) that I know no longer serve me, but I keep them because in my heart I believe that they’ll work someday, maybe they’ll love like I love them, maybe this thing will serve a purpose someday, maybe they’ll begin to cherish me too soon.
I have a fear of being left/abandoned and because of that I tend to hold on to people and things that I should have let go. People who no longer serve me, people who offer me crumbs, not because they are bad people in themselves but because our good season is over and we should have just accepted that, or because they have not healed enough to handle being present and loving other people, or just because.
This year, I've been met with loss of friendships that meant so much to me, I have cried and mourned and I still grieve, not because I want them back, but because I valued what we shared, I loved them dearly, the memories also never stop coming up in my head and I can still see the future we could have had.
My love for them stay tucked away in a part of my heart, I grieve again because there's all this love and I can't even give it to them anymore.
My heart shakes, I have anxiety, wondering a million things, I miss them, but I seek healing from here just as I wish them healing.
Loss and grief are powerful emotions, capable of destroying us, capable of breaking us to pieces, but maybe they teach us that people and things do not last forever and the best thing we can do for the short while that we get to spend with them is to love them fiercely, to give love to them, to be there for them, and when our journey with them ends, we mend our broken hearts and move on to ourselves, we pour that love in us, and we live, until someone else comes along .
Grief probably has no end, we never fully recover from some of those losses, but we forge ahead, we move on, carrying with us a heart of sorrow, a little darkness, a sad memory that tells of how much love once existed in that exact spot; and I think it’s a beautiful thing.
Grief teaches us to love and hold dear and maybe it’s worth it.
