Is Bride Price A Symbol of Culture or a Tool for Oppression?
Following the outbursts and rage on social media three months ago when a popular Nigerian Feminist, Nkechi Bianze, got married without her bride price being paid, I had to compile this article that has been on my shelves for a long time.
First of all, What is Bride Price?
Why do men have to pay to get married to the woman they love?
Why do people say a woman got married "free of charge" if her husband didn't pay her bride price to her family?
Who started this tradition and why?
Is it reasonable to consider a woman a product to be paid for/ bought?
Why do people still think that this tradition cannot be erased even when we all know that culture and tradition is fluid?
Does brideprice signify or connote that a marriage would be all sweet and loving and peaceful?
What is the impact of Bride price in marriages, in the society, and In families?
If there's no impact, then why is it still a thing?
These are questions I have asked over the years and tried to find answers to them.
I'll be sharing my thoughts with you.
Bride price: the bill or commodities required from a man which he pays to his wife's family before he can get married to the woman he loves.
You see, over the years, I began to develop indifference towards the bride price thing. I also began questioning alot of things I've learnt from birth.
I try to weigh their truth, how it helps or doesn't help humans, what effect it has on us and others.
In thinking and wondering, I have realized that bride price/dowry or whatever that involves paying anything to marry your lover is crap.
Hey hey, don't come for my head yet. I discovered somethings I'd really love to share with you., So be calm and hear me out. 😏
Here are some reasons I gathered why people think bride brice culture is cool and okay even when they're not comfortable with it.
1. CULTURE/TRADITION
We all know that culture is fluid and subject to change to suit the times and the people of a community. Unfortunately, people forget this when talking about the bride price culture, they hold on to this ideology and practice so dearly and will defend the practice of it, like it's such a beautiful, necessary and empowering practice.
Speaking of culture, here are a few things that was our tradition which we no longer live by.
• Women didn't wear tops, our breasts were left bare, men also wore only shealth to cover up their penis at one point, until locally made textiles became a thing.
• We all know that twins were killed, the birth of twins were considered evil and a bad omen, when women give birth to twins, the babies were either killed or thrown into forests to die. This used to be our tradition.
• Most of the people chanting "bride price is our culture" are also the same people who have left the god of their culture and followed a foriegn god. Christians and muslims who have abandoned the god of their tradition. Isn't that hypocrisy?
If we have done away with these cultures and so many more that I cannot begin to write here, Why do we think that the culture of brideprice is the culture to be kept?
It is also very much important to note that Culture and tradition are man made.
Humans made them for whatever reason that suits their own age and time.
I see culture as peer pressure from dead people. I love traditions and cultures like food, language, dance, festivals.
However, I also think that once culture becomes a template for living. When it no longer serves it's purpose, and when it causes more harm than good, that culture should be put in check.
Bride Price is Slavery.
2. WOMEN ARE CONSIDERED PRODUCTS.
Are you a product? Is your daughter a product?
Why do I have to be respected because somebody paid something on my head? Why does someone paying my parents and community to have me as his wife has to be the only way I get respected as a woman?
Why does paying something on me accord me the chance to stand up amongst other women?
Why does a special kind of respect have to wait till someone pays something on my entire being before that respect can be given?
I believe that every human should be treated with equal respect, there shouldn't be a special kind of respect for a special kind of people.
If the payment of bride price makes one respectable then it should be a thing for every person, every gender, there should have been such a thing as "groom price".
I've heard people say "no, she's not being bought, it doesn't mean she's being sold", bla bla bla.
Haven't you every heard people say a man married his wife "free of charge?"
Haven't you heard people shame a woman whose bride price wasn't paid by saying she gave herself to a man "for free"?
How do you refer to a person as "free" and still say she's not a product?
Makes no sense.
Bride Price takes away a woman's worth as a human and places her as a commodity.
3. SYMBOL OF MALE RESPONSIBILITY
People now say that the reason a man is asked to pay bride price is because they want to know if he can provide financially for his wife.
I've also heard some people say that when a man pays the bride price of a woman, he will treat her right and is never going to hurt her. This part makes me laugh because I know marriages where domestic violence from the man is the order of the day, he paid the
bride price, infact, I have heard men justify the rape of their wife and their abusive actions by saying "I married her with my money, she's my property and I can do whatever I wish with her".
This is proof that our ancestors built oppressive systems, a system that productizes women and places them as commodities is not a system that cares about women.
Bride Price oppresses women.
4. BRIDE PRICE IS A WAY TO PAYBACK A BIRIDE'S FAMILY
This is for people who say that the payment of bride price is a way to honour a woman's parents and pay them back for raising their daughter.
The statement right above
means the payment of bride price is the only way a woman can honour her parents.
Well, if bride price is the way a woman honours her parents, does it mean that men do not ever honour their parents? Since nobody is paying anything on them.
Also, why is there not a groom price to show gratefulness to a man's parents for raising their son?
It's even cringe worthy that you choose to have a child, raise them into adults and then expect someone to come tell you thank you for raising your own child. That's totally absurd.
Wait, does it mean that all the while parents were raising their girl child it was just so that they can collect huge bride price?
Their own child? Isn't that a parent's duty and a child's right?
Aren't they going to raise their daughter if she told them she doesn't want to get married?
What exactly does it mean when fathers say, "I spent heavily on raising my daughter" as a way of bargaining and haggling with his inlaws on what they can afford to pay for their daughter?
Phew.
Now, I'll talk about the effects of the bride price culture on men.
Sometime last year, there was a bride price list given to a man which went viral on social media because the total of everything he was asking to pay for and buy was amounting to to over a million Naira.
One Million Buhari Naira. In a country that is the poverty capital of the world?
It is oppressive for a man to have to pay even 10Naira before he can marry the woman he loves.
It is oppressive that couples have to spend their life savings on the payment of bride price that after marriage they may begin to starve because the have lots of financial recovery to do.
It is oppressive that men are put under pressure to make money and be rich so that they can afford a wife.
This system is oppressive, to the man and the woman.